I registered myself for a conference that is coming up. The suggested hotel that popped up is the last hotel that I stayed in with Millie. In some ways it felt comforting to think I have been there. I could easily find it even though it is in a big city far from home. I know how nice the hotel is…
…but I couldn’t reserve a room there. No, just thinking of walking in the sliding doors and up to the desk reminds me of the night I ran up to that desk asking for their first aid kit to help David with an unexpected dressing change for Millie. Just being in the elevator would remind me of carrying her upstairs to our room. Sleeping in the bed would remind me of hooking her up to her feeding pump at night so she could get her ‘nutrition’ before she had to be NPO for the next morning’s procedure.
Yes, I could suck it up and force myself to go through with staying there but I know even if my tears were silent they would be deafening sobs within my heart. Instead, I reserved a different hotel about 12 miles away that will come with less baggage and more peace.
Another place I found her this week was still a listed part of our family when I logged onto our hospital chart. There her name sat, with a zero balance, just waiting for the next time she would walk through those doors for treatment.
Then I received a bill this week from our chiropractor for everyone in our family. Millie’s name was the only one with a zero balance. Insurance had been so thoughtful to leave a $.02 balance on most of our accounts, though it gave us a credit of $.01 on one of the girls. I called and paid off our penny charges and smiled to see Millie’s name that day.
Tonight, David and I went on our weekly date, grocery shopping after dinner as we always do. We enjoy the time together even though neither of us really enjoy the shopping. Talking on the drive home, we both agreed how we still think of her and miss her so much. Neither of us can think of our almost 6-year-old girl, both envisioning what our 3-year-old ‘baby’ would be doing now. We miss the simple everyday stuff, the cuddles, the laughs, the silliness. We really miss our Millie girl.
Another thing that stood out was a conversation I had online today about Millie’s time here on earth. Many people believe that God chose exactly how long we will live because the Bible says:
“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalms 139:16
I can understand that line of thought. When I first lost Millie I was comforted by the thought that she must have lived every day God gave her, then her life was complete, and he took her home to heaven. I believed she had been shorted nothing in life. That seemed a reasonable line of thought following this verse, yet the longer she has been gone, my thoughts have changed.
My heart now stands with the line of thought that God does KNOW everything ahead of time. He has it all written in his book of life when each person will complete their time here on earth. What has changed is that I don’t believe he CHOSE those shortened times for us.
Hear me out and realize this is my belief. I don’t expect you to change your thoughts on this. It is NOT A SALVATION issue and so it doesn’t really matter to the scope of eternity, yet it can bring us comfort in how we believe in our time here on Earth.
God’s perfect plan was eternal forever LIFE walking with him. Sin entered the garden and brought the consequence of death upon man. At that time each man would have a time that death would come. God knows when that time is, though his plan was never death. ((I’m not saying that Millie’s cancer was caused by sin, just that sin in general entered our would causing death in general))
Often people wonder if I believe that God could have intervened and saved Millie? Of course, he could have saved her earthly life—He’s God!
They wonder why he didn’t and if he allowed her to die then how can I still love him.
Honestly, I miss Millie very much. I wish she had been healed here on earth. I am, however, confident that Millie is with Jesus. She is not in pain and will never feel pain again. She doesn’t fear cancer, treatment, pain, or death. If her earthly life had been preserved it would not have been forever, only until the next time death came to call. That might have been years in the future, but it might have been weeks. I cannot see that bigger picture of life. I do not know what death protected her from. I can only trust that God allowing her time to be finished here means that she now is eternally healed.
Heaven is not a punishment. It is a reward to the faithful in Christ Jesus. She has received her reward. She is there, not turning back towards earth missing us, but there at the feet of Jesus worshiping in his presence. Her heart is JOYFUL and HAPPY. She has no sorrow or tears.
I am here, grieving not that she gets to be there but that I am here without her in my presence. I grieve my loss and that I will live my remaining days without her.
Is God sovereign? Yes he is but he is also a God that allows choices in our lives. He allows consequences to take place. He allows things to happen that we don’t understand. He doesn’t take them away from us, rather he goes through them with us—holding us, carrying us, comforting our aching souls.
He loves us, both me and YOU! If you don’t know him… if what I have said confuses you… if you are just not sure… please feel free to message me. I want you to know the Peace of God that passes all understanding that I carry.
~Telling Christ’s story {Because of Millie}
︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵ ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★ I still believe in Millie’s Miracle ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵