After 23 months you would think the missing might be a little easier, the pain a little less sharp…
You might think I am healing because you don’t see my tears as often.
Or maybe you think it’s odd that when you do see my tears that it is over random things that seemingly have nothing to do with Millie.
My answer could be “yes, all that is true” or it could be just as easily, “no, absolutely not!”. Both are true and both depend on the moment.
You see right now, my heart aches often. Right now, all the memories of June 2020 are flooding in. This is the week (maybe even the day, I’m afraid to count) that we were told Millie could not go to Texas and receive the treatment that was supposed to stop the silent beast growing inside of her. Instead, this was the week we were offered the hard-hitting ICE Chemo. Our last hope to stop the rapidly growing cancer that was intent on taking our baby’s life.
While my brain tells me, “yes that was two years ago and you can’t constantly relive the past”, my body says something different. My arms and legs are heavy as if tied down by cinder blocks. My eyes often well up in tears. My chest hurts when a sob tries to escape but then knows how futile it is. Exhaustion has set in again and maybe some would call it depression, I don’t know. What I do know is every single feeling is GRIEF. There is not a magic cure. No pill or counselor will fix it. Honestly, why does it need to be fixed? As a society why do we think that grief goes away with time? Whether Millie is gone 1 year or 30, she is still gone and that HURTS.
I have to make a choice as to what I am going to do with these feelings—again.
I say again because this is a daily choosing, not a one and done decision.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗮𝗹𝗹, 𝗜𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲, 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘆 𝗵𝗶𝗺𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘂𝗽 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗿𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝗱𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲. 𝗟𝘂𝗸𝗲 𝟵:𝟮𝟯
Every single day, I have to chose to trust Christ with my aching heart. I have trust that He is good. I have to chose to follow Him. I have to choose to glorify Him both in the good times and the bad. I have to lay down my feelings, my selfishness, my woe is me attitude, and especially my rights and expectations. It’s only as I loosen my grip on those things that I can take His hand and allow Jesus to bear these burdens. 𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝗸𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗯𝘂𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁. 𝗠𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘄 𝟭𝟭:𝟯𝟬
I’ll confess I have been grumbling in my heart lately. My head kept telling me, “If God called you to do something then it should come easy”. I felt like my task being easy was my confirmation that I on the right path. What a big LIE! That’s not scriptural at all but it wasn’t until I said it aloud that I could hear the truth.
The truth was the biblical patriarchs were called to do a job and it often involved loss, grief, moving, hardships, and so much more. Men like Noah, Moses, and all the prophets.
The biblical disciples too were called to a task. They were called by Jesus very own earthly voice, yet their lives were anything but easy. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to name a few.
The biblical apostles and first century believers to were called and lives were very hard. Men like the Apostle Paul and Stephen.
So why do I think my calling should be easy? Is it because my body craves peace and rest, leaving behind the sadness, conflict, earthly cares, and separation?
That’s something to think deeply about. If I only had happiness, peace, a problem free life, and all my loved ones with me, then I would be so content here on earth that I would have no need or desire for heaven.
Am I really expecting to live as if heaven were here on earth?
That is a lot to ponder…
~Telling Christ’s story {Because of Millie}
Blessings sweet friends… ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵ ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★ I still believe in Millie’s Miracle ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ Hebrews 11:1 ｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ︵‿︵‿୨☆୧‿︵‿︵ #MilliesMiracle #ChildhoodCancer #Neuroblastoma #MoreThen4 #Childloss #Forever3 #WithJesus #WhileWeAreWaiting #AGrievingMama #LifeAfterLoss #siblinggrief
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